Nobody Knows

Music has a way of speaking to my soul. I find myself listening to music that fits my mood, often getting lost in the lyrics. At times, I may discover things about myself by focusing on the inner dimensions of a song that keeps playing in my head. Recently, that has been the song “Nobody Knows” by Pink, so much so that it has even entered my dreams.

When I first heard that song, I stopped what I was doing and listened. There was something powerful in the song that reached something deep inside me. I found myself listening to it over and over again, feeling a profound sense of awareness as I closed my eyes and felt the lyrics. This was far more than a beautiful song, and I knew it somehow held meaning for me.

Since I have a propensity toward analyzing everything; always seeking the eternal answer to “why”. I began analyzing my intense attraction to this song. As Pink’s song kept playing through my head, I found myself on a journey of self-discovery, asking myself “Who is Pamela”. It finally hit me that the reason this song has effected me so deeply is because I feel like I have gotten lost in the process of helping everybody else fulfill their dreams. I find myself living for everyone else, to the point that I am a supporting actor in my own life. I feel invisible and insignificant. If a person is going to be a main star anywhere, it should at least be in their own lives.

I am invisible, yet as is typical for me, I keep that fact hidden. Partly because I know what people would say “Well whose fault is that”. It is neither beneficial nor constructive to respond to someone’s pain with condescension, so I remain in the shadows of silence. This reality hit me hard, and suddenly that song reached me on an even deeper intrinsic level.

This isn’t a new reality for me, it is simply the awareness of it that is new to me. I have spent my entire life in this role, starting with my youngest memories. My childhood wasn’t an ideal one to put it mildly. I found myself thrust into the role of an adult by circumstance, and I stepped into that role without hesitation. I essentially raised my baby sister, while living a dark existence shrouded in abuse. But I protected her from the pain by absorbing it all.

Did this destroy me? No, because I am stronger than people know. I held the pain inside, and nobody knew. I floated through life for a few years, and fell into a life that was a perfect fit for me. I turned my love for children into being a nanny. I am a natural born mother, who is childless. This is because I have spent my entire life raising somebody else’s children. I loved my life as a nanny, because I loved the children. I was able to take all of the darkness from my past and turn it into love and sunshine. I loved the children like they were mine. I never had my own family because I was too busy playing a supporting role in someone else’s family.

I often find myself feeling guilty when I do anything for myself, because it is for me. For instance, when I am writing and someone interrupts me, I want to scream. I want them to respect my time, and my passion. I want them to treat me like I matter as well. But I don’t. I listen politely when they interrupt, and silently cry inside. I guess a part of me wants them to respect me, rather than treating me like I am so insignificant they can interrupt whenever they want because they are more important than I am.   That is the message they send every time they interrupt and intrude.

I have dreams, and I have aspirations. But I spend my life focused on the dreams of people I love most. I am insignificant, and “Nobody Knows. I cry in silence, then wipe my tears and paint on a smile so I can play my supporting role to the best of my ability. But I sometimes close my eyes, and escape into my dreams where I am the star.

Posted in Personal Journey

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